Two women, who hadn’t been approached for a date in years, were asked out on dates! Another was able to assert herself and say “no” to someone who clearly isn’t right for her. In the past, she would have gone back to him. All in a matter of two weeks!

Since I’m in a business training for three days, I’ll use the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Se|xy) method for this week’s Love Note. There is one very simple action that can be taken to create a powerful shift in any relationship or dating experience.

This one action can turn a “bad attitude” and unhappy times into peaceful and joyful interactions. It is something that is designed to help you and/or the person you’re with to rise above difficulties.

If you’re single, it will make dating more enjoyable, and if you’re in a relationship, it will bring you closer together.

The one thing I’m referring to is context. It’s the difference between going on a date with the attitude “I hate dating” versus the context “On every date I have the most fun I possibly can have.”

When you have the context of making every date fun, it’ll inspire you to be creative in your endeavor to experience fun (even in the most flat-lined dates). In addition, you’ll be that much more desirable to your date because you’ll be a joy to be around.

When in a relationship, a context can help couples rise above their old negative patterns and seek to find new ways of relating.

My boyfriend and I have the context of creating an upward spiral. As such, if we are struggling with something together, one of us stops and asks the question “Does it feel like we’re in an upward spiral?” If the answer is “no,” then we ask the next question “What can we do to shift this so that it does?” It gets us out of our “stuff” and back to connecting with each other.

What is a juicy, inspiring context that you can create? Would being the “couple of the year, every year” inspire you to do things differently in your relationship? What would it look and feel like to be the “couple of year?” How might you do things differently?

Would having the context “I’m another date closer to being with my true love” keep you inspired? What would it feel like to have that perspective versus the thought that most dates are a waste of time?

Please share your contexts! I would love to hear from you!

To your divine love,

Jennifer

P.S. There are two group sessions next week! I would love to see you there! Click here for details.

Last night I lead a Love Attraction session for a lovely group of women. One of the things I expressed to them was how human beings have a tendency to use judgments as a way to protect themselves. As long as we find fault with the other person, then we expect it to hurt less if they disapprove of us or leave us.

It seems logical, yes? However, it’s these very judgments that prevent us from experiencing the true juiciness of being in relationship. People feel judgments whether they are spoken out loud or not. As such, it’s pretty automatic for people to judge back or, at the very least, do something in an attempt to protect themselves.

Judgments serve as walls and, like walls, it’s VERY difficult to see through them (unless you have Superman vision). In a sense, you can’t truly see another person if you have judgments and preconceived ideas about who they are. This means that you’re interacting with each other through judgments rather than actually getting to know each other and looking for and enjoying the positive qualities each of you possess.

In relationships, judgments are like termites, they’ll eat away at them. So, here are a couple of suggestions to help turn things around and steer you on a path of greater love and connection …

1. Stop judging yourself. If you’re judging others and feel like others are judging you, there’s a very good chance that you’re judging yourself. Choose to turn around the judgments and appreciate yourself.For example, it would be easy for me to judge myself as being lazy. However, I can turn that around and acknowledge myself for staying late after my group session last night to chat with participants and for also providing support to a friend.In addition, I went and stayed with a different friend (got there after midnight) to get up early and give her a ride to the airport. It makes sense that I would feel tired. I can appreciate myself for giving to others and for making a positive difference. In addition, for the part of me that doesn’t want to work – I can acknowledge it for its desire to relax and feel at ease.
2. Turn judgments of others into appreciation. Start by writing down a few judgments of someone you know. Fill in the blank: [Name] is too ___________________. When you are done, start with the first judgment and ask yourself “What is the positive side of this quality or characteristic that I’m judging the person for?” Sometimes this isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it!Make sure that it inspires you or at least releases the judgment.Example: “Person X is too nosy.”If you look into it, you can acknowledge the person for being someone who is curious about other people, someone who cares about what is going on for others, and someone who enjoys connecting with people. Make up something that helps you move past your judgment. Do this for each of the judgments you listed and start seeing the person through a new lens.

Lasting love includes a commitment to dropping judgments while learning to appreciate the traits that you’re not so thrilled about. This doesn’t mean excusing behaviors that are deal-breakers for you. It just means having greater tolerance and love for people’s idiosyncrasies and personality characteristics. The people around you will feel a difference, especially if you openly share your new-found appreciation for them.

I’d love to hear about the judgments you’ve turned around! Did you discover anything new about the people in your life? About yourself? Are there any judgments that you’re struggling to find the positive intention behind? If so, let me know!

Until next time, I wish you increased love and connection!

To your divine love,

Jennifer

It wasn’t until a few years after my divorce that I realized how much I was supported by listening to music that inspired feelings of love. I occasionally listened to love songs during a relationship that followed my marriage, but not with the same frequency and enthusiasm that I used to.

When I chose to end my marriage, I had a similar feeling as to when I learned that Santa Claus isn’t real. The magic and sparkle faded, and I felt a bit of heaviness in my heart — at least I still looked forward to Christmas. I suppose I must have believed the fairy tales and discovered that those were a lie, too. My “happily ever after” in marriage didn’t exist.

I stopped listening to love songs because I didn’t want to be swept off my feet so easily … it was too scary, especially knowing that it might all end! The thing is is that I didn’t even realize that I had made the decision to stop. And, as it turns out, I was missing out on a juicy part of life!

Even with waking up to the truth that relationships don’t always turn out the way I hope they will, I discovered something important. How I want to feel in a relationship is my choice. If I want to feel madly in love with someone, I can dream it all up and have a wonderful time.

Whether you’re in relationship or not, listening to music that inspires feelings of love can support you to feel lighter and happier. The positive feelings will assist you in connecting more deeply with your partner or help you attract a mate whose heart is also resonating with loving energy. Love songs can be a great reminder of the magic and beauty of life.

Being with love rather than without love, regardless of your relationship status definitely provides for juicier living and helps create lasting love. What are some of your favorite love songs? My all-time favorite is “Lady In Red” by Chris DeBurgh. Do you spend time daydreaming when listening to music? I do!

With an open heart and lots of love,

Jennifer

P.S. For those who are grieving a break-up, allow yourself to FEEL ALL of the feelings that appear. Even the uncomfortable emotions are an access to love. On the other side of sadness, anger, and fear is LOVE. If they’re not dealt with, they are exactly what will arise when you start opening your heart again.

The “not enough” monster is a nasty thought entity that interferes with our ability to be happy and well-adjusted in our relationships. It typically originates from childhood and continues to follow us around throughout our lives. It has many forms and triggers. Sometimes it’ll show up as a need to make everything perfect. On other occasions it’ll evoke fear in you by telling you that your partner is going to leave you because you’re not good enough. It’ll also cause you to take things personally and to be easily upset.

When you’re wanting to be in a relationship, the “not enough” monster will interfere with your ability to attract and generate a healthy and fulfilling love relationship.

If we feel we are not enough, we are likely to do things in order to be liked rather than be our authentic selves. The problem with trying to be how we think others want us to be is that we’ll eventually get exhausted from it and show our true selves. We end up letting people think we’re one way when we’re actually another way. A couple years into a marriage, our partner could wonder “who is this person I married?” Be yourself and you’ll attract others who will appreciate and love you just as you are.

The problem with the “not enough” monster in romantic relationships is that we’ll spend a good deal of time in fear of being rejected and even abandoned by our partner. We may become confrontational, pick fights, be whiny, attempt to control the other person, or become passive aggressive. Underlying all of it is an attempt to make the other person wrong in some way to prevent any negative attention or judgment from being turned on us. Or, we may be extra nice and over-give to make up for our feelings of inadequacy. We will do everything we can to avoid being found out … that somehow we’re “not enough.”

What can be done about the “not enough” monster? For one, you can give him or her a friendly name. Be gentle with it. In all honesty, it’s just afraid of getting hurt again. The “not enough” monster is a part of yourself that decided that you’re not enough as a result of certain past life experiences.

To heal past wounds that created the “not enough” monster, consider allowing yourself time to grieve, feel sadness, express anger, and any other feeling that needs to move through you. Send light and love to the parts of you that were hurt. You may also consider scheduling a session with a healing practitioner or therapist to help you resolve the old hurts, traumas, and emotional wounds.

Be willing to share with your partner when you’ve been triggered by something. Perhaps you both can share the names of your “not enough” monsters. It’s an opportunity to create vulnerability and closeness. It can also become something playful as well as an easy way to let your partner know when you’re dealing with old hurts.

For example, if your “not enough” monster is named Berta, you can say (even amidst tears or anger) that “Berta is wreaking havoc again.” This helps you to take personal responsibility for your feelings and can reduce the likelihood of your partner reacting negatively to what you’re going through. Instead, it opens up space to be loving and compassionate with each other.

Give yourself the gift of knowing you are enough and give this gift to others. Let your romantic partner or potential partners know that they are enough and remind them often of this truth. And, remind yourself often, too!

When and how does your “not enough” monster show up? What things have helped make a positive difference for you?

A special note to your “not enough” monster – you are WORTHY of LOVE and you are PERFECT just the way you are!

Jennifer

Upcoming Events

Have you ever been in a relationship where the same problem comes up over and over again? It may look a little different each time, but the core issue is essentially the same. That’s what I call a love rut and that’s exactly what John and I had been in.

You may also be in a love rut if you find yourself attracting the same kind of relationships, the same type of partners, or very similar experiences. I don’t know about you, but it drives me crazy when I discover I’ve created the same painful pattern for myself!

The good news is that, if you’re in a love rut, you can get out! I’m not saying it’s going to be EASY, but what I can tell you is that it IS possible! It requires great love and compassion and COURAGE.

FIRST (Step 1), you must BE WILLING. Having the willingness to do what it takes to get out of a love rut is half the battle. It’s like unlocking the door and allowing the help to come in. Even if you don’t metaphorically open the door, at least it’s unlocked; that’s progress! The power of willingness is AMAZING.

Step 2: Acknowledge you have a problem. Yes, I know, I cringe at this one too. “Who me? I have a problem? Nooooo! … it’s the other person! If he or she would do x, y, or z, then there wouldn’t be a problem and all of this would be just fine.” The thing is, if you’re upset, then it’s your problem (this is not to suggest that the other person or people involved don’t have their own part in the issue). The good news is that when you own your upset, you get your power back.

Step 3: Identify the problem (your love rut) by answering the following questions. This is where the truth will set you f*ree.

What’s happening or has happened?

Is it a pattern? If yes, how so?

What is your problem costing you?

How are you benefiting from having this problem? What do you get out of having this problem?

What alternative things can you do to meet the positive needs that this problem is providing you with?

Step 4: Get help.

You’ll generally have a better chance of moving through challenges quickly when you use a combination of the following …

• a spiritual connection and belief in a higher power (you can declare “I don’t know how, but I’m willing” and trust that you will be shown how)
• education (example: how to communicate effectively)
• support from others (friends, family, mentors, coaches, therapists, etc.)
• healing tools that transform patterns at a deep level (just because we know how to communicate effectively doesn’t mean we can, especially if we have a pattern of not feeling heard!)

The spiritual connection and support from others can help provide the safe foundation for looking into the scariest parts of ourselves. It’s those scary parts where our love ruts come from.

One of the things that has been the most challenging for me in my relationship with John is that, in order for the relationship to work, I’ve had to look at my shadow. Sometimes it’s felt like I was walking through fire. Resistance would rise up within me along with intense fear and the thought … “No! I don’t want to! It hurts too much! I don’t want to look!”

With the right help and support, those scary parts can actually receive healing. Such transformation is what frees us from our love ruts – those patterns that keep us stuck creating the same painful situations over and over again.

As for John and me, I had to get honest with myself and with him. I was fighting with him in an attempt to control a situation (and him) in order to feel safe. At the same time a lot of my invested energy in the arguing had nothing to do with that particular situation. I was actually angry about something else – something that would mean the end of the relationship if he wasn’t invested in transforming it.

John and I used the steps outlined above to help us move into a much better place. The little voice in my head (the one that wants to keep me safe) has stopped the mantra “you should just leave” and is now excited about connecting further with John.

If you’re tired of your love ruts – those nagging patterns that keep you from a fulfilling love relationship, let me know how I can support you and check out the upcoming events that can help you become free of your frustrating love patterns.

To Your Divine Love,

Jennifer

Throughout my relationship with my boyfriend, John, there has been a source of contention in relation to a favorite activity of his called acro-yoga. It’s basically acrobatic yoga where two people work together to perform different acrobatic-type poses and movements.

John and I have had a difference of opinion in terms of what are “appropriate” physical interactions with other people. I realize that everyone has there own levels of comfort in terms of physical closeness and what it means to them, as well as what they expect in terms of their romantic relationship.

For me, I found the whole acro-yoga scene to be quite confronting. I felt like the boundaries of the relationship were being stretched and I also felt nervous about participating in a community of people who had different physical boundaries than me. In addition, I was concerned about my level of inexperience with acro-yoga and I worried that I may cause damage to my hip (I have had three surgeries on my right hip since I was a young child).

Needless to say, I felt anxious about attending the acro-yoga jams where people go to practice acro-yoga as a group. For one of the earlier jams, I was going to be arriving late and asked John if he would be available to practice together when I got there at 8pm. The answer was yes, so I expected him to be available when I got there. What I didn’t share with him was that I felt scared and anxious about going and that it would really meet my need for support to have him available at 8pm.

Unfortunately, what ended up happening is that he started a video interview of his friend late and was still doing the interview when I got there. He didn’t wrap it up until about fifteen to twenty minutes later. In the grand scheme of things, that’s not really that big of a deal. However, I still felt angry and let down because my need for support was not met. He felt frustrated with me because he couldn’t understand why I had been so upset.

If I had been willing to be vulnerable and share why I had made the request for him to be available at 8pm and why it was so important to me, then the evening could have played out much differently. He could have had the experience of making a positive difference in helping me integrate into the acro-yoga community, and I could have had my need for support met.

I’d like to say that I learned the lesson, so-to-speak. However, it has been requiring a great deal of practice to be willing to be aware of when I’m not speaking up and being courageous enough to share vulnerably. Easier said than done!

Honestly, sometimes I would rather hide or even die than to express where I feel insecure, vulnerable, and afraid. But here’s the thing, our humanity and connection rests in the open expression of our most scariest (and most beautiful) parts of ourselves. That is where the juice is and where true living exists. It’s also what creates depth and closeness in intimate relationships.

In closing, I encourage you to see where there might be opportunities to authentically share yourself. What is something you’ve been afraid to share or to express? How might things be different if you did speak your truth?

Wishing you much love and great courage!

To Your Divine Love,

Jennifer

Regardless of who the person is and whether you think of him or her with delight or despair, these relentless thoughts keep you from being present and disconnect you from experiencing a true romantic partnership.

In addition, when you feel as though you can’t control the thoughts or make them stop, it can create feelings of frustration, guilt, shame, or anger. If you can relate, you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you.

The thing is, the reoccurring thoughts are pointing to something important. They are like an alarm bell attempting to get your attention. The person you’re thinking about is representing something for you. To discover what that ‘something’ is, to quiet the thoughts, and to regain your freedom, I’ve listed a three-step action plan for you.

Three steps you can take to quiet obsessive thinking and regain your freedom.

1. Answer the question or questions that most apply to you: What need or needs did this person meet for you? Or, what need has this person denied you? Or, what need or needs do you imagine this person would fulfill if you were with him or her?

Examples of needs: love, connection, honesty, respect, appreciation, fun, sexual expression, etc.

2. Now that you’ve identified the needs, what actions can you take to get those needs met? If you’re in a romantic partnership, one action may be to share honestly with your partner about what is missing for you and to make a request.

3. Take action to get your needs met in a way that supports your values and integrity.

I’d love to know how this was for you. What did you notice or learn from following the steps?

Wishing you peace and lasting love,

Jennifer

In other words, even if you feel frustrated with your partner or are fed up with online dating, focus on what IS working. This doesn’t mean that you ignore the difficulties. It just means that while you’re working out the kinks, you also stay in tune with the positive.

Remember the things that you love about your partner or, if you’re single, identify what you appreciate about your dating experiences. The pleasant feelings that are activated as a result of this exercise will provide you with greater energy, motivation, and support for moving through upset and handling conflict.

Just like the sun after rain, love will shine again.

With love,

Jennifer